The problem with pitting sexual assault against mind

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This discussion is an important one.

Alexandra Allred, an author and self-defense instructor in Dallas, groaned when she read Grace's account of her evening with Ansari.

Media ethics experts say it's not easy to determine what constitutes a legitimate story of sexual misconduct in the midst of a social movement that has emboldened people to speak out on subjects once considered taboo. Still, we shouldn't invalidate her feelings and fears. However, despite the criticism, most everyone seems to be on the same page: we agree sexual assault and harassment is bad. This is true. The line between seduction and coercion has shifted, and shifted quickly, over the past few years (the past few months, even).

Imagine my surprise all these years later watching headline after headline reveal what I first learned in forums and on alt boards nearly a decade ago.

Well, feminists, it's time to stop "feministsplaining" sex to men.

Even people who are aware of the definition of consent have fought it or defended alleged abusers, saying that the definitions of both consent and consent violations differ by community, the types of sexual content someone has consumed (like porn) and by generation.

Affirmative consent.requires all parties to be visibly happy, turned on, and vocally expressing enthusiasm throughout the encounter-which, if you haven't noticed, is pretty characteristic of decent sex in general.

Still, victims are exploited by abusers with power, money and influence, making it that much more hard (and dangerous) to come forward.

Said Barton: "I would tell them that I had a three-year undercover relationship with you over the Internet that was heavily sexual and that I had met you twice while married and had sex with you on two different occasions and that I exchanged inappropriate photographs and videos with you that I wouldn't like to be seen made public, that you still apparently had all of those and were in position to use them in a way that would negatively affect my career".

That's the debate now raging in the wake of the "Master of None" star responding to an allegation of sexual assault by a woman he went out on a date with last fall. "Many people were waiting for things like this to happen, and they would doubt, 'is it going to far?'" Carlos said. She just doesn't think it should be called sexual assault.

Then the Babe article dropped. From where I'm sitting, it appears Ansari knew exactly what he was doing.

Ansari is not Harvey Weinstein.

Ansari would have been 7 or 8 years old in 1991 when a feminist group at Antioch College fought to establish the school's Sexual Offense Prevention Policy (informally the "Antioch rules" or, more commonly, the "infamous Antioch rules") requiring affirmative and sustained consent throughout all sexual encounters, and he was 10 when "Saturday Night Live" mocked the Antioch rules in a sketch that cast Shannen Doherty as a "Victimization Studies major". If someone shoves their fingers in my mouth while we are semi-naked, I can't tell you with 100% certainty if I will like it or dislike it. "Clearly, I misread things in the moment and I'm truly sorry". And more so do they want to know?

It seems the reporter of the anonymous woman's story (Katie Way from a site called sent Banfield an email. But a woman still feels compelled to do it because she's either trapped in the situation or she's somehow required to reciprocate her partner's desires. When a woman says let's slow things down don't put your fingers in her mouth.

"All rape is an exercise in power", Brownmiller wrote in 1975, "but some rapists have an edge that is more than physical". What has changed, more than anything else, is the ability for women to be heard.

We don't know what was going on in Grace's head at the moment.

As Jezebel Culture Editor, Julianne Escobedo Shepherd, points out, "Because Babe did not have the range or depth to present Grace's story for what it is-a starting point to discuss the ways consent can feel blurring, no matter how clear we might wish it were, and our lack of language to describe this-we all ended up opening up a conversation that did us no good at all". "We haven't really talked about gray areas yet". But, if a person can be expected to recognize verbal and nonverbal cues in every other space, they can most definitely be held accountable for recognizing them in intimate ones. "That you had a bad date with Aziz Ansari?".

Sometimes, this behavior ends up being played out more violently. "And what would you tell them, sir?"

In 1990, a group of students at Antioch College in Yellow Springs, Ohio, became fed up with the administration's lackluster response to sexual assault on campus, and got together to write their own Sexual Offense Prevention Policy (SOPP).

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